There are various things we can get rid of that no longer add value to our life, but the need to declutter relationships often gets overlooked or rejected.
Why is this? We hold on to childhood friendships all the way into adulthood with no reasoning to why we have the same people with us on our journey.
There’s a difference between people that are assigned to you versus attachments.
When a person is assigned to you, they actively contribute to the fulfillment of your destiny or purpose. They assist with improving your personal growth or well-being.
Their assignment to you is for a reason, even though they may not stay in your life long term. Your shared experiences or responsibilities connect you with your divine assignments for a particular purpose or journey.
People become attached to you in life in different ways. They can be through familial relations, friendships, or companionship.
Most people form attachments to others through personal and emotional connections. This occurs through shared experiences, environments, mutual feelings, and interpersonal dynamics. Attachments are human connections that develop overtime.
Sometimes, people outgrow their attachments, but they miss the mark of letting the relationship fall off. Unlike our assignments, attachments rarely serve a spiritual purpose or destiny behind the connection.
There are people you should’ve let go of back in elementary and high school, but you’re still in proximity to them, ignoring the pursuit of your purpose in life. You have outgrown some friendships, but you are still holding onto them because of the number of years you’ve known them.
But do you really know who they are now? Was your friendship nurtured throughout the years?
Genuine friendships don’t come a dime a dozen. A divine plan or a higher power usually guides your assignment’s presence in your life. There’s a sense of purpose or significance beyond the personal interactions you have with attachments.
Over the years, you can accumulate many friends that fall into the ‘attachments’ category. You’ll know when it’s time to let go of dead weight in your life when you’re feeling stagnant, lack motivation, or need clarity.
At some point, you will have a distinct moment of realization that you’re content with where you are because of the people surrounding you.
Have you ever heard of the saying, ‘show me your friends and I’ll show you your future’? No truer words have ever been told.
You don’t need to cut everyone off because they don’t share the same values or goals as you. But it’s a healthy practice to assess your close friends and social circle at least once or twice a year.
That’s where decluttering relationships comes in.
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What does decluttering relationships mean?
You can declutter relationships by assessing the positive versus negative social connections in your life. This process involves simplifying and streamlining your friendship group to focus on quality over quantity.
Trust your gut when you feel it’s time to end a friendship permanently or create distance. There are tell–tale signs you should look out for when it’s time to reassess your social circle or tell a toxic significant other goodbye.
- The energy is off in your daily interactions
- Your previously shared interests, goals, and hobbies have declined
- There’s an increase in disagreements and negative exchanges
- Lack of emotional support and effort to nurture the friendship or relationship
- Communication issues persist and go unresolved
- Acts of distrust and betrayal have occurred
- Signs of envy, territorial, or jealous behavior are imminent
- Any form of physical, verbal, or emotional abuse
- Overstepping boundaries
- A lack of time commitment to the relationship or friendship
What matters most to you?
Is it the amount of people you can call a friend? Or do you measure friendships based on the value and support they add to your life?
Just remember, the larger the friend circle, the more often you’ll need to declutter.
Why is decluttering relationships important?
Decluttering relationships are important for remaining stress and drama free.
Meaningful relationships require some level of investment.
Unless your friends require minimal maintenance, you need to invest time, attention, and support to nurture most relationships.
Having 15-20 people you call friends will eventually feel like a part-time job. Maybe you segment your friendships to manage it all.
Some people reserve friends for traveling, partying, dining out, or exploring more educational, artsy, or cultural events.
However, people are multi-faceted. They aren’t objects that you can pull and then put back up on the shelf.
Too many friends usually lead to neglect, hurt feelings, or someone questioning their place in your life.
Most women are nurturers by nature, but intimate relationships have a higher priority in their lives. When men come into the picture, close friends fall by the wayside.
One relationship doesn’t have to be more important than the other, but it’s nearly impossible to juggle multiple friendships with a spouse, family, or significant other.
The last thing you want to do is to spread yourself too thin. Treating people as options rather than priorities isn’t a great depiction of your character either.
Sometimes, it’s necessary to declutter relationships to manage the people in your life who matter most, so they feel appreciated and valued, too.
Your friends should mean as much to you as your family and spouses. Who desires fair-weather friends? If they don’t reciprocate support and love, do they really deserve the title of ‘friend’ to begin with?
When you see people surrounded by packs of ‘friends’ they’re usually nothing more than associates.
So, what’s your definition of a friend?
Defining your ideal friendship is the first step in the right direction when you’re decluttering relationships.
Taking the time to conduct a ‘friendship assessment’ will also let you know where you stand in the lives of others.
Maybe you’re the friend that’s always checking in, showing support, and planning outings. Do your friends do the same for you?
There are several things you need to consider during a ‘friendship audit’. Your experiences, interests in common, lifestyle, and conflict will help you determine if that person is worth holding on to.
11 ways to declutter relationships
Let go of guilt from letting go
Don’t waste years dwelling on past relationships and friendships that had no closure. Healing from the hurt of not receiving an explanation for a breakup or abrupt end to a friendship may take time.
You’ll learn later on in life that they were only in your life for a season. The friends you had back then weren’t assigned to accompany you on your journey.
If you cut ties for your mental health or ability to grow, let the guilt go. You did what was best for you and are likely in a better place for it. It’s hard, but you have to release people in order to move on from your past.
Prioritize reciprocal relationships
There’s nothing worse than being in a one-sided relationship with no reciprocation.
Kind gestures, daily motivation, and showing up for your partner is a two-way street. It’s not wrong to expect reciprocity.
If you’re going all out to uplift a partner and celebrate friends, they should do the same in return.
The standards for your friends should be as high as the standards you have for a spouse. When you value yourself and what you can add to the life of others, people will treat you accordingly.
Sometimes, we make the wrong decisions and prioritize people who don’t value us. And that’s okay, it’s a valuable lesson learned and your sign to declutter relationships. Trust that they will miss you when you’re gone.
Define what true friendship means to you
Friends are positive, over protective, confidants, show up for you in ways others wouldn’t, and they want the best for you in life.
Your definition of a friend may differ, but as long as you have requirements in place, genuine friends are there to stay.
Remember, they won’t be able to walk in and out of your life unless you push them away.
Surround yourself with ‘good energy’
Some friends turn into dark clouds that kill the vibe in every room they walk into. They are negative, overly critical, and pessimistic.
Those aren’t the type of people you want to keep around.
Evaluate what’s changed in their life and what may be affecting their behavior or mood before you distance yourself.
Friendships require empathy and an understanding that life ebb and flows.
However, if someone constantly directs negative energy towards you, it is important to address the issue or find a way to move on. This is the perfect way to declutter relationships as often as you need.
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Eliminate competitors
There’s good competition, and then there’s bad competition. Bad competition is when a friend copies every single thing you do. From your career choices, fashion sense, hobbies, and personality traits, they would trade places if they could.
Friends like this love to one-up you every chance they get and give backhanded compliments. At times, their masks slip, you just have to pay close attention.
In order to declutter relationships, you may have to remove friends from your life that are in a one-sided competition with you. Friendship is not a sport to compete in. People like this are on a mission to destroy and sabotage your life. Do yourself a favor and cut them loose.
Identify areas where you need to improve
Admit it, you aren’t perfect. We expect everyone else to meet the high standard we set for friendships and relationships when we don’t always meet them ourselves.
When you’re a good person, you’re used to being showered with love, attention, and praise, but are you doing the same for others?
What about that friend that randomly checks in, or the boyfriend who texts you every morning to see that you’re okay? Have you ever stopped to reach out first or show your love and support in your own way?
No one wants to feel like they’re being taken advantage of. When they disappear, you’ll understand the reason. Identify areas where you can improve to be a better friend or partner to the next person who walks into your life.
Re-examine old friendships
How many people are you still friends with from elementary school? From high school? Your first job? Have you ever wondered why?
Social media keeps us connected to so many people from our past, and it allows them easy access to our future when they shouldn’t be there.
Comfortable friendships keep us complacent. They’re often viewed as safe friendships, because we’ve known them the longest.
A loyal friend is one who cares about you, and they have your back even when you’re wrong. They aren’t just tagging along for the ride. They want to see you grow, for you find your purpose in life.
Keeping friendships alive because you met decades ago isn’t always the best decision. Healthy friendships are fostered overtime.
Old friends that are assigned to your life want to see you win. Re-examine your friendships as needed.
Open yourself up to meeting new people
Relationships can be painful. They harden your heart and make you shy away from giving new people access to your life.
It’s okay to pull back into your cocoon after a lesson well learned, but at some point, you’ll have to open the door.
Different stages of life shape and mold you into who you’re destined to be.
There are still good people in the world. Don’t give power to your pain. Extend the invitation and let new people in.
Do ‘friendship’ tests
When you’re in trouble and experiencing an emergency, real friends will be the first to show up at your door.
People won’t show their hands unless they’re forced to. When a person shows you who they are, please believe them. Stop allowing them to hang on despite their lack of support or ill intent. You can declutter relationships by conducting simple friendship tests.
Friendship tests allow you to weed out the associates in your life. Inauthentic friendships are easy to come by.
Everyone is a friend until you’re in your darkest hour. When they scatter, you’ll see who’s really in your corner.
Test your friend’s loyalty and support. It should never waver.
Accept the role you played in failed relationships
You’ll see how far you’ve grown when you look back and finally realize the role you played in failed friendships and relationships.
Sometimes, it takes years to recognize our faults in certain situations. Whether it’s immaturity, selfishness, or a lack of self-awareness, you understand where you went wrong.
In my twenties, I struggled with considering the feelings of others and accepting different points of views. Now that I’m older, perspective and communication mean everything to me in a relationship.
Respecting and acknowledging the feelings of others goes a long way. Communicating how you perceived someone’s actions or what they said is important, too.
More often than not, miscommunication is the primary reason relationships and friendships go astray.
Acknowledge your personal growth
Once the emotional clutter is gone, take time to celebrate how far you’ve come. Your idea of healthy relationships and friendships will continue to change. What you want in your 20s may not be what you need in your 40s.
The need to declutter relationships gets easier as you age, because friendship circles get smaller and smaller. Old friends get married and start families. Now your new friendship circle includes coworkers, mothers at the PTA meetings, or members of your book club.
It’s okay to think about where you went wrong in previous relationships, and what you would do differently.
Just don’t dwell so much on exes that you invite them back into your life. Save yourself the headache and leave them behind.
Write out the characteristics you desire in a future partner and attract your soulmate instead. Getting rid of emotional clutter isn’t always easy. Consider taking the Simply Living Challenge to start your journey of decluttering relationships.
I teach entrepreneurs how to simplify their life and business with less + own their time and maximize productivity towards their personal and monetary goals.
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